At my last doctors appointment I told my OB that pregnancy is an interesting journey. I pretty much crack jokes at every visit and every day for that matter. The truth is, it’s how I muddle through the tough and embarrassing parts of it. I’ve found most women tend to shy away from discussing and admitting the crazy changes their body goes through during pregnancy. But me, I have zero shame. As far as I’m concerned, any women who has been pregnant or is pregnant gets it, so it’s not really “breaking news” in the world of pregnancy. For the past week I keep cracking jokes to my husband saying, “Jezuz, you know you’re pregnant when…” followed by some wise ass remark. I decided this called for a blog. So, without further adieu, and in no particular fashion or order, here are my Top Twenty “You know you’re pregnant when…”
You Know You’re Pregnant When…
1. You start wearing your husbands T-shirts to bed and his old winter jacket out the door.
2. You smell like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory on a daily basis from lubing half your body up with Palmers Cocoa butter in the hopes to ward off dreaded stretch marks.
3. You get winded going up a flight of stairs and have to bend over when you reach the top to catch your breath.
4. You’ve become “that girl” who rubs her baby bump all the time!
5. If entered into a farting contest, you could easily keep up with your husband. Side note, nothing beats getting him back for years of being down his wind!
6. Giving yourself a pedicure turns into the strangest form of yoga as you attempt to maneuver your body in such positions that allow you to actually reach your toes.
7. Your private female parts have disappeared… And let’s not mistake this for boobs, because those my friends are front, center, large and in charge!
8. Shaving your legs requires one leg up on the bathroom wall, slightly bent while holding on for dear life with your free hand.
9. You start asking your husband to give you a nudge or push when trying to get your growing pregnant ass off the couch.
10. You’re sleeping with pillows in between your knees and/or under your belly to support its weight.
11. Not only do your regular bras and clothes not fit anymore, but neither do your damn shoes!
12. Flossing your teeth looks like a gory scene from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
13. You feel like you might break a rib every time you sneeze.
14. You start popping tums like they’re penny candy.
15. You put the orange juice away in the bathroom and forget to blow candles out before leaving the house. “Pregnancy brain” really does exist!
16. Your boobs are about the same size as your belly and could substitute for a bookshelf.
17. Your bra size is no longer found in normal stores like Victoria Secret.
18. You’ve become that girl who runs out to the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon sporting a pair of sweats. Oh, and you also now own a pair of “jeggings!” Never say never folks!
19. Just when you thought you were done pee’ing, you have to pee again!
20. You have new veins and dimples on your body that never existed before!
Aaaah! The joys of pregnany! It’s been a fun and interesting journey so far. Yes, you may be shocked that I said fun, but despite the crazy and ridiculous changes I’m experiencing, nothing and I mean NOTHING beats feeling my growing baby girl kick and move every day. Every pound, every ache and every change is worth feeling her move knowing that I’m one day closer to looking into her eyes, kissing her little face, and snuggling with her every single day for the rest of my life!
Sparke