As each day gets closer and closer to my due date, I’m thinking more and more about how much my life will change postpartum. Admittedly, I’m a bit of a control freak and one of my biggest fears about pregnancy and childbirth was the lack of control I’d have over my body. For the first several months I felt sick all the time and had a hard time seeing myself gain weight right off the bat. I kept telling my husband that I hated being pregnant and that I couldn’t wait until it was over. So many of my family and friends told me despite the challenges and discomforts of pregnancy, they actually missed being pregnant once they delivered. For the longest time I found this hard to believe and was sure I wouldn’t feel that way. But over the past few weeks I find myself feeling torn in two different directions. On one hand I am beyond excited to meet our little girl and just have her here. On the other hand, I already feel a sense of loss knowing I won’t be carrying her around everyday having her literally be a part of me and having her all to myself. I now realize that I too may very well miss pregnancy once she’s here.
The first thing I think about when I think postpartum is our baby girl. Yesterday was the laziest day I’ve had during my entire pregnancy. It felt good to just do nothing. I took a nap, watched reruns of Sex and the City and basically rested all day. My husband and a few friends reminded me that I should take advantage of this time now because when the baby is here, I’ll be on her schedule for a while. When my husband came home from work I assumed we’d just heat up leftovers, but he insisted on cooking me dinner. At one point I walked in the kitchen and just watched him, it was just us. Just me and him. I asked him a question I’ve asked a few times in the past nine months, “How different do you think our lives will be once the baby is here?” He told me “Different, but in a good way.” These past few weeks it suddenly occurred to me that right now I can do whatever I want when I want, but when the baby is here, that’s all going to change. When we go to bed at night I often think to myself, it’s so quiet right now, but once the baby gets here quiet will be a thing of the past. My husband and I have been enjoying the last few weeks of life as just the two of us by going out to dinner more and spending quality time together because we know that once our daughter is here, we’ll be busier in ways we’ve never known. As excited as I am to take on motherhood as it’s always something I’ve known I wanted, I’m also scared at how having a baby will change our lives.
On to my next topic is postpartum blues. Many women suffer from depression after they give birth; however, some women don’t even recognize it. I was so nervous to become pregnant knowing I’d have no control over my body in the midst of it, but how much control will I really have after? Women cannot control their hormones or whether or not they’ll suffer from depression or “blues” postpartum. It’s just another side affect us women get to endure and have to deal with. The Babycenter reports that up to 80% of women deal with postpartum blues. I think my biggest fear is not being able to recognize or admit it to myself if I do encounter this, as I do know several other women who were in complete denial of it. So much like worrying about how I’d feel mentally and physically during pregnancy, I’m now worried about how I’ll feel after…
Last but not least, the other aspect of postpartum that I’ve been thinking about is my body. Actress Kristen Bell (who I love) had her first baby in March of 2013. I had read several interviews she did her during her pregnancy and postpartum about gaining weight during pregnancy and taking it off, and I absolutely love her outlook. Basically, she states she doesn’t understand why women everywhere are in such a rush to get back down to their pre-pregnancy size. In one interview she says she is not a woman who allows her dress size to define her. After reading articles and watching her on a few different talk shows I realized that she is the type of role model all women should follow and look up to. It wasn’t easy for her per say, but she finally decided to forget the media and said screw it, “I look this way because I just made a baby! How radical is that?!” If I could hug her, I would. It took me months to finally appreciate my pregnant body. Every time I looked in the mirror I felt fat and disgusting. I didn’t recognize myself. But one day I had that “ahaa moment” where I realized, hellooooo, you are making a baby! You don’t look like this for any other reason other than you’re pregnant. My husband and I did our third and final maternity progression photoshoot last weekend and while in some pictures I think I look huge, there are others that I absolutely love and think I look great. Yes, there I said it, there are pictures that I actually look at myself and think, “Wow, I look good pregnant!” Call me conceited or ridiculous, but it feels good to finally feel comfortable in my own skin and body again. Which made me realize, maybe I actually WILL miss my pregnant body. The body which has allowed me to create another life. I have no idea how long it will take me to drop all my baby weight. I have some friends who were literally 5lbs thinner than they were before they got pregnant two weeks postpartum and some friends that it took two years. The thing I realized is, it doesn’t matter how long it takes me to get back down to my pre-baby weight that ranged between 119-123, what matters is that I created and brought another human into this world, and our happiness won’t be defined by the number I’m rocking on the scale. I simply refuse to let it control me or take over my life. I’m much more concerned about being a good mother, wife and focusing on my family and just being happy and healthy than I am over anything else. I truly think more women need to focus on the importance of family and health over the number on the scale or their pant size. Myself included.
I have 23 days until my due date so the countdown is really on. It’s crazy to me that I was so afraid of pregnancy, but thus far, I’ve really done well. I almost forget what it’s like not to be pregnant and think it will be an adjustment to go back to my old self. I’ll be going from pregnancy woahs to postpartum baby, blues and body!
Let the countdown continue!
~Sparke