I will never understand why young lives get taken from this world and their families; nor will I ever be able to accept it. So the Catholic religion says that God takes us when he’s ready for us; when he “needs” us back. I don’t understand this either. I have a hard time wrapping my head around God needing a baby, young child, or young adult. And in general, I have a hard time wrapping my head around death, especially when it’s a young life.
Today would have been my cousin Mikey’s 28th birthday – would have been… This May will mark the five year anniversary of his tragic and unexpected death to a motorcycle accident. An accident that wasn’t his fault and stole his last breath. One might think or expect that after almost five years you would accept it, but I still have days where it doesn’t seem real. How is he not here? How has almost five years gone by since I have seen him or had a conversation with him?
I will never forget Mikey’s 21st birthday. Somehow it’s one of my fondest memories of him. My family threw him a party with homemade pizza, gifts, and of course drinks for the newbie legal man. Me, who has never been a “successful” drinker got quite tipsy off half of a wine cooler. Mikey got a serious kick out of this and kept trying to feed me more. I remember him saying, “She’s lit off the neck of a wine cooler! Give her more!” He had the best sense of humor, the best laugh, and a true love for life. I love all of my cousins dearly, but there was something about Mikey that was special; I always bragged about him – I still do.
After Mikey’s death the saying, “Only the Good Die Young” had never made more sense…because he was good, he was great. I sang at his funeral and to this day still, I have no idea how I was able to do it and hold myself together. Crying, nervous, emotional – all of the things I was before the ceremony began. But as soon as I heard the music start I felt a warm calm sensation throughout my body that stayed with me for the entire service. I swear he was with me helping me get through it, helping me sing to celebrate his life. Not one day goes by that he doesn’t cross my mind at least once. I talk to him, I pray to him, and I keep him in my heart and mind wherever I go.
Today I find myself feeling more emotional about Mikey. Not only is it his birthday, but his oldest sister is losing her husband to cancer. We learned of the disease just four months after Mikey’s passing. More than four and a half years later he is still here, but sadly, seems to be fading from us fast. I’ve never felt more pissed off at the world and at God, yes God. There I said it, I’m pissed at the “Almighty Savior.” I have attended more wakes and funerals, and visited more graves for young people than I ever have for an elderly person. My cousins husband is a great man, a great husband, and great father. So WHY, I ask, is his time coming to an end? A man in his mid-30s, fighting for his life, why? How does God choose who he needs? And why does he allow people to suffer? Why does he take them so young? How can one man live to 100 and another man only to 23? You expect an elderly person to eventually pass, but no-one expects the young…
I said this in my previous blog – I know life isn’t always sunshine, rainbows, and butterflies, but young death will simply never be something that I accept or understand. Life is full of unexpected surprises – some good, some bad. Today and everyday to follow I’ll be praying and hoping for an unexpected miracle for my cousins husband. And I will continue to pray and talk to Mikey, because I truly believe he is with me and has helped guide me at certain points in my life.
So Happy 28th Birthday, Mikey. We all love you and miss you dearly everyday. May you forever rest in peace and continue to be the angel that guides us through life.
Xoxo,
Susan