I never once doubted pregnancy would be a difficult journey, but you never really “get it” until you’re absorbed into the depths of it. My first trimester was tough. While I got out of it vomit-free (thank goodness!), I couldn’t believe how constantly exhausted and energy-less I was all the time. It felt like I had the flu 24/7 and I had to force myself just to get out of bed every morning to go about my day. I also had wacky food aversions and felt nauseous all the time for weeks. I somehow managed to continue working out; although, admittedly, it certainly wasn’t to the extent of my normal routine and efforts. Some weeks I fit in three to four days of trainer rides, barre classes or hikes while other weeks it was only one day. I realize now more than ever that listening to what my body is telling me is key. While I want nothing more than to maintain some sort of fitness level, I need to do what’s best to grow a healthy baby and if it means resting then that’s what I do.
Now that I’m in my second trimester my energy level is finally coming back. In the last week I have been able to workout six days which have included barre classes, a few three mile power-walks (two which included pushing my niece up a lot of VT hills in her stroller), and a hike in VT. I’m thrilled to finally feel like I’m regaining strength and stamina, but I can’t help but notice the many changes, physical and emotional that come with being pregnant. For example, during my hike yesterday, I definitely noticed my heart rate increasing faster and higher than it normally does on a hike. I’m well aware that a women’s HR increases during pregnancy, but it meant I had to take more breaks to keep it from spiking too high. Even though my body felt really strong and great, I didn’t want to push my heart more than I should.
Another thing I immediately noticed was the physical changes to my body. Holy pregnant boobs! When will these things STOP growing?! I’m not going to be breast feeding for a while, yet they just keep on getting bigger. While some women love this aspect, I do not! I never had a problem in this department so now I just feel like I’m being suffocated by my rapidly growing bust. Even more annoying to me is that I can tell my thighs have gotten a little bigger. Not by a lot, but I can feel the difference in my jeans. While at 14 weeks I can still wear my own jeans with a bella band, I don’t like that already they seem snug in places where my baby is not growing. Who ARE these women who only gain in their belly?! I’ve maintained a healthy diet and exercise regime thus far; however, somehow I don’t think it’s really going to matter in the end when it comes to weight gain. I think my body is just going to do what it’s going to do and part of that is my inevitable Italian genes (thanks mom!). While my doctor has had zero concerns with my weight gain, I seem to be having an incredibly tough time with it. Just before getting pregnant I was 123lbs. For the last few years I’ve ranged from 119-124lbs. He told me because I’m fit and am starting off at a what’s considered a “low weight”, it’s likely I’ll gain more now in the beginning and tapper off at the end. I made it clear to him that I’m making every possible effort to keep my baby from invading my thighs and rear-end! Of course, he looked at me, laughed and said he thinks I’m doing just fine.
I can’t deny that I feel a little vain worrying about my weight already, but the fear of gaining too much and getting “fat” seriously frightens me. It’s like years and years of hard work, hitting them the gym, running, biking, yoga, weight training and just working my butt off are going down the drain. Somehow it’s taking an emotional toll on me and I’m worried that everything I eat is going straight to my hips. I’m not worried about taking it off after as much as I am of having a fat and unhealthy pregnancy. When it comes down to it, I’m very health conscious, and I believe that gaining too much weight is just as unhealthy as not gaining enough weight.
The emotional changes in pregnancy are undeniable. I really thought it was going to take my husband and I long time to get pregnant, but it only took two months of “trying.” I don’t think I was prepared to get pregnant as fast as I did and it’s a lot to take in. While I’m excited and thrilled to become a mom, I’m also scared to death. I worked with children ranging from infants to teenagers for a long time, so taking care of a child is the least of my concerns. Just this past weekend we babysat my niece and my husband said, “Wow, she loves you. You’re a pro at this.” My worries are, how will it affect my relationship with my husband? Meaning, I still want us to have and make time for each other. The craziness of parenthood takes over so many couples and everything ends up being all about the kids that couples forget about their relationship and love for each other. That’s the last thing I want. Someone recently told me they “lost compassion” for their husband after children. I was horrified and heart broken to hear this. Seriously, if anything, I feel like becoming parents together should only bring us closer together and only make me fall in love with my husband even more. But hearing someone admit that to me is a little scary. I know our lives will be crazy, hectic and exhausting once we have a baby to take care of, but I think the uncertainty of how we’ll manage the changes is what truly scares me.
I feel myself having moments of pure joy and excitement to having moments of sheer terror. While it’s all “normal”, the hormonal and emotional changes are just as trying if not more than the physical ones. What goes on inside my head and body might not be noticeable on the outside, but they’re very apparent to me. While worrying is in my nature and practically my middle name, I’ve been able to remain calm when it comes to anxiety and panic attacks over it all. I think I have all the same thoughts and fears most women do and that it just comes with the sacrifice and territory of being pregnant becoming a mother. Everything is changing! My body, my emotions, my life. Although it’s an adjustment and a life changing time, it’s all wonderful and I’m grateful to be where I’m at today.