As I look in the mirror at my unclothed body, I barely recognize myself. Who is the person reflecting back at me? Is that me? It couldn’t be… For my breasts are much larger and fuller. And my hips and thighs are much wider. I have “back fat” that never existed before, and my belly still has a small pouch continuously reminding me every day that it’s only been a mere seven weeks since I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I’ve never looked in the mirror at my naked self with so many mixed emotions…
My senior year of High School and my first year of college I weighed in at my heaviest fluctuating between 150-155lbs. Oddly enough, I never truly looked at myself as chubby or overweight until I started losing weight and seeing changes in my body. I joined a gym, started eating healthier and took a few aerobics classes every week and weight started falling off. It was then that I realized how much health and fitness not only was important to me, but was an essential part of me. I dropped to 125lbs and had never felt better. Just before getting pregnant an average range for me was 119-123lbs depending on the day or time of month. And just before giving birth to my daughter I weighed in at 178lbs. Despite working out four to six times a week throughout my entire pregnancy and eating incredibly healthy, I still gained a good 55lbs. My pregnancy weight gain officially convinced me that a women’s body will do exactly what it needs to do to grow a healthy baby, and while diet and exercise keeps you fit and healthy and is great for the baby, it has little to do with how much weight will or will not gain.
I’m seven weeks postpartum and still weigh a solid 150lbs. Even though that number was a norm for me many years ago, my body looks and feels much different now at this weight than it did then. Before, I just looked unfit and like I needed to lose weight. Now, I look like I had a baby, yet I still feel fit and healthy. So why do I question who I am when I look at myself? It’s hard to look at pictures of myself from less than one year ago when I thought I was fat, but now see my prior self as thin. Why didn’t I see then what I see in that girl now? It’s frustrating to feel fit on the inside, but not see fit in the mirror. It’s frustrating to want to see the girl in the mirror you once were…
But, I’m simply not that girl anymore. I’m not the girl who had never been pregnant. I’m not the girl who never grew a human being, and I’m not the girl who never gave birth. So much has changed and no matter how many times I look at myself in the mirror, I’m just not that girl anymore.
So who am I? I’m a woman who grew a baby for exactly 40 weeks. I’m a woman that gained in my opinion, a ton of weight during my pregnancy and isn’t afraid or embarrassed to admit it to anyone who asks. I’m a woman who exercised during my entire pregnancy for the health of my baby and myself. I’m a woman who struggles with her image no matter what my shape or size. I’m a woman who for some reason, keeps obsessing over the number on the scale even though I know I shouldn’t. I’m a woman who is a happy wife and blessed mother. I’m a mother who is trying to realize every day that the number on the scale, the image in the mirror and the clothes that dress my body aren’t nearly as important or significant as the beautiful baby girl that I grew and love with all my heart. I’m a woman who wouldn’t in a million years trade being a wife or mother for anything in the world, including the skinny girl that used to stare back at me in the mirror. Who I am is a happy wife and mother with a few extra pounds and a whole lot more love in my life.
~Sparke