This past Sunday I ran my fourth half marathon. I trained for months to run this race with my running group. Between stroller runs with my daughter during the week, a weekly track practice with my running group, and early morning long runs on most weekends, I felt more than ready to conquer the hilly course. But somehow, come race day, I didn’t feel quite on my game. In fact, the entire race felt like a struggle from mile 1 to mile 13.1. Despite shaving off more than 8 minutes from my half marathon time and crossing the finish with a personal record, I didn’t run the race that I had hoped, imagined or expected. In running, seconds count, but instead of rejoicing the huge accomplishment of shaving several minutes off my time, I kept wondering, “What went wrong? How did I miss a very attainable goal?” Sure it was aggressive, but it was definitely doable based on all my training runs…
After taking a few days to digest Sunday’s race, and my last half marathon before this which was four years ago, I think I’ve nailed down where I “failed” myself.
Four years ago I ran two half marathons in a three week time span. The first one being very hilly and the second being flat. After the hilly half which was in Nashville, TN, I returned home running faster and stronger, and I didn’t really take much time off in between races to rest. I went with how strong my body felt and just continued running hard. Looking back on the 2nd race (my third half marathon), I went to the starting line with high and fast expectations of myself. I kept thinking that the race would only be a success if I hit a certain goal, but by mile 8 I was junk and had to walk/ run the rest of the race. Regardless of still finishing, I went home feeling defeated and disappointed, and I decided I needed a mental and physical break from the road. I couldn’t understand why I finished so much slower than I should have. But now I know why…
This past Sunday I showed up to the starting line much like I did four years ago, with high expectations of myself. Only this time I was definitely better trained, far more conditioned and overall stronger mentally and physically than I was before. But I still stepped over the starting line once again telling myself that I would only be proud if I finished in a certain time, and that I would be disappointed in myself if I didn’t accomplish it. I actually told my husband the day before, “I’m not going to be proud of myself if I don’t get this in under two hours, and I’ll be so disappointed in myself.” Those thoughts and expectations put a lot of negative energy and static in my head, and those words, thoughts and mindset really screwed with me the entire race. I stalked my Garmin watch every 5 minutes making sure I was on track of my goal and I kept telling myself, “You have to do it! You have to get this under two hours or you suck.”
Ummmm really? I suck if I don’t finish in less than two hours? Why on earth did I tell myself that…?
The entire race I was so damn focused on getting to the finish line by a certain time that I completely lost focus of why I run and race in the first place, and that’s because I truly love the road beneath my feet and seeing how far my body can take me. I lost sight of the fact that just going the distance and crossing the finish line is the real accomplishment, not how long it takes.
I know for a fact I’m more than capable of reaching the goal I told myself I had to get, but the truth is, I will never in my life reach it if I keep putting so much pressure on myself to get there. I will never find happiness in a race if I go out with negative energy of not finishing in a certain time. And I will never feel like a race is a true success if suck the fun out of it and feel miserable the entire time because I can’t get my head in the game and just enjoy the run.
After my very first half marathon I told my husband, “Never again!”, but I went back and tackled the distance again and again. I said the same thing after my race on Sunday, and guess what? I’ve already registered for another one. Because progress never happens if you hang out in your comfort zone all the time, right? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen quotes like that thrown around on social media, and it’s so true. Running half marathons is definitely out of my comfort zone, especially for a girl who couldn’t even run a quarter of a mile in high school.
When I show up to the starting line for my fifth half marathon, I’m not going to put pressure on myself to get a certain time. I’m going out there to breathe the fun and life back into racing; knowing that going the distance and crossing the finish is the real accomplishment.
It may have taken four years and two half marathons, but lesson learned. Running is a continuing work in progress, and the next race will be a success no matter what because I’m going for the fun! And for the hot chocolate of course – because it’s a holiday run, and who won’t run for holiday festivities and hot chocolate?! As always, thanks for reading – see you on the blog side 😉