Aaaaaah toddler life! The tantrums, the non-listening, the go-go-go energy all the time…it’s endless chaotic fun! I have to admit that by the time 5pm rolls around I am completely beat. Most days I tell my husband, “one and done”, and I’ll be honest, a lot of the time I’m completely serious when I say it.
The truth is, I’m all over the map with whether I want another child. Not just because toddler life is utterly exhausting, but I also admittedly have very selfish and probably rather ridiculous reasons why I feel one and done. Essentially I have several strikes against having another baby. But here’s the thing, I’m not oblivious to how I feel, and I’m not afraid to admit it either. And I’m willing to bet I’m not alone.
I gained 55 pounds during my first pregnancy. I’m sorry people, you can call me an ungrateful asshole, but I’m just all frigging set with doing that again. I worked my ass off my entire pregnancy, I ate cleaner than I ever have in my entire life, and yet I still managed to gain enough weight for two pregnancies. I mean seriously people, my daughter was born less than 24 hours after my last workout – WTF with the excessive weight gain?! So forgive me, but I just want to keep my new and improved stronger and leaner than ever body that I worked so damn hard at getting back! #PregnancyPoundsSuck
Screw having another c section. I just can’t even. In my case I had an emergency c section, at NINE centimeters dilated, all thanks to that horrible epidural that I never wanted in the first place, which caused my daughter’s HR to plummet, ultimately making my delivery one of the scariest moments of my entire life. Not to mention the recovery sucks beyond words. And if I’m really laying it all out there, I don’t really know if I’d ever even want to try the all natural way at this point because other than my daughter being born perfectly OK, the only positive part of the c section was my vagina staying intact! #CSectionsAlsoSuck
I just want to keep running, racing and living my fit-life like normal. I literally keep thinking in my head that if I were to really get pregnant again, I would have to plan it during months that I wouldn’t be racing as much, because I just want to keep kicking ass on the road. Then I think, screw it, because I will run in any kind of weather, plus it took what feels like foreverrrrr to get back into running strong again. I know – I’m a selfish bitch that just wants to run. It liberates me from anxiety and empowers me in so many ways. But seriously, when your life revolves around your running passion and schedule, you know you’re truly in love with it! #RunnerProbs
I just don’t know if I can, or even want to share my love and attention with another child. It honestly almost breaks my heart to think about. Is that weird? Because I feel like it’s weird… but the thought of having the same mother-baby bond with another child feels like I’m cheating on my daughter… #IMustBeAWeirdo
What if some bad shit happens? I thought that doing the pregnancy, labor and delivery thing once would make wanting to do it a second time around easier because I know what to expect. Turns out, knowing what to expect is the very reason I don’t want to do this shit all over again. Blech! It makes me cringe and want to throw up in my mouth just thinking about it. All I think and worry about is what if something horrible happens to me and I leave behind my precious little girl…?? 🙁 She is my greatest and most wonderful creation, and these thoughts have literally plagued me to the point of very real and fearful tears. #WorryingWarrior
Like I said in the beginning, I realize there’s a lot of selfishness in how I feel, but there’s also a lot of fear and emotional reasons too. Truthfully, I absolutely love the dynamic of my family of three. I just feel so perfectly comfortable with it, so why screw with perfection? I’m sure there are a lot of pro’s to having another child, and who knows how I’ll feel in 6 months or a year, but for now, I’m very happy and content being in the one and done club, and giving my one and only child my undivided love and attention.