Alright blog lovahs, I’m about to get real. And when I say real, I mean raw, honest and downright embarrassing. For weeks I’ve been toying with the idea of whether or not I should actually write and post this blog publicly; I’ve been writing it in my head for days. But this morning, because I couldn’t shut my damn brain off from the mental writing, I finally decided, “What the hell, I’m just going to do it.” I’m going to throw it ALL out there. So men, this is your chance to hit the back button now, because you may very well not want to keep reading. And ladies, buckle up, because this is going to be one hell of a ride. You may also want to cross your legs…
If you’ve never been pregnant, there are many side affects and symptoms, some you may know about and some you may be completely unaware of. For the most part, I was pretty educated in this area. Between talking with close friends and family members and doing my own research I had a pretty good idea of what to expect. However, I will admit there have been a couple things here and there that I wasn’t expecting.
So let’s get right down to it. And when I say down, I’m talking down under, right at your pregnant vagina. Now, I was well aware that during pregnancy an increase in “vaginal discharge” is common and to be expected. However, just how constantly soggy my maternity granny panties are every day is not only becoming frustrating, but disgusting. Just when you think you can ditch all your period paraphernalia, think again. If you’re thinking about becoming pregnant or are pregnant, I recommend stocking up on panty liners to help your vagina stay dry and to protect your panties from looking like you peed yourself. On the days I really don’t feel like using a liner I end up changing my undies two or three times. No. Joke.
While we’re on the topic of the vagina, because let’s face it, this is where it all began, let’s discuss the scent that all this “pleasant” pregnancy discharge comes with. I can’t quite describe it, but I feel like I can smell it all the time. So much so there are days where I feel like I’m doused in my very own Eau de toilette that I’ve cleverly named “Preg-Gina.” I seriously thought there was something wrong with me, until I spoke with someone close to me who has had two children and assured me this was completely normal. I also asked my Doctor, “Hey, what the hell is going on down there and why do I feel like I smell?!” He too confirmed this is normal. So while apparently others cannot smell my Preg-Gina, there are days where it drives me so damn crazy that I shower more than once trying to rid myself of my pregnancy scent. Sounds appealing, no?
Let’s continue with the vagina, shall we? Somewhere along your pregnant journey your belly will get big enough where it disappears. I haven’t seen my vagina without a mirror since ooohhh, maybe October. But the last time I did grab a mirror to make sure it was still there, I thought it looked swollen. I ran to my husband saying, “Ummmm honey…I think my vagina is swollen. Do you think this is normal??” Of course, what the hell does he know?! But thanks to Google, asking a few friends and once again consulting with my doctor, I learned this is another fun aspect of the pregnant vagina. Due to an increase of pressure on your pelvic area, the vagina becomes swollen. Now mine is not bad by any means; although, I’m told it may become worse. I also assume if I have a natural delivery things will really get puffy down under. In which, I think I’ll leave the mirror in the closet!
So I think for now I’m done discussing the vagina, but let’s stay down south and move back. Yes, back…right back to your widening pregnant ass. Come on ladies, if you’ve been pregnant you KNOW damn well that your ass is also taking part in the fun. For example, an increase in gas. I wrote a blog a couple months ago where I briefly discussed some symptoms I was experiencing, excessive farting being one of them. This is NO JOKE. There are days when they just squeak out and you didn’t even realize it was there. And when you don’t know it’s there, it’s hard to squeeze your cheeks from it escaping. Seriously, I think I fart more than my husband now. Ridiculous. While we’re talking about our biscuits, I’d like to bring up hemorrhoids. OK, I’ll be honest, I don’t REALLY want to discuss them, but I said I’d be raw and honest, so here it goes. If you have been pregnant and/ or have delivered a baby I call bullsh*t if you say you didn’t get them. That’s right, because I don’t know a single lady who’s had an honest conversation with me that didn’t get them somewhere along her journey of growing a baby and pushing that baby out. Now, I can’t complain too much as I haven’t much going on in this department, but I will admit that I’ve had to slab on some Preparation H once or twice in the last eight months. Way to really get things fragrant down under, that stuff smells like an 80 year man doused in medication. At this point I think CVS knows I’m pregnant. Between the purchase of Prenatals, Tucks Pads and Preperation H, I’m now receiving coupons for Depends. They must know the end is near and want to help save me money on adult diapers for when my water breaks. Thanks CVS! Now constipation is another fun side affect of all your raging pregnant hormones; although, I’ve been lucky enough not to deal with this. Mainly because of my healthy diet. But I will admit that if I have a day or two where I don’t eat as many veggies, then I start feeling like things are going to get bound up. So, to keep things moving and to help aid against hemorrhoids, I recommend a diet high in fiber.
OK, I think I’m ready to move up north and get out of the south for a while. So let’s discuss my gigantic pregnant breasts. I still don’t like them, my husband still loves them. There are days when they are so sore that even putting a bra on or showering just sucks. Last week I experienced nipple leakage. Yes, you read that correctly. My left nipple leaked. Not a lot, but a little and I was sort of in awe and sort of freaked out. Of course, tell this to my husband who was anxiously asking me questions wanting me to reenact this milestone in my pregnancy. He seriously got a bit amped up and said “They’re getting ready!” Oh. Boy. While I haven’t had this happen again; I did know it could happen. I guess I just wasn’t expecting it so it threw me off a bit. It also made me realize exactly what my husband said, with less than six weeks until my due date, my boobs are preparing to feed. Woah!
There are A LOT of changes your body goes through when you’re pregnant, physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s definitely an experience that no man will ever understand and one that even with a million blogs, can quite be described until you’re submerged into its depths. And yes, I make a few jokes about it…ok I make a TON of wise ass jokes about the embarrassing parts and pregnancy woahs, but all in all, I really cannot complain. I’ve had a great pregnancy so far and all the things I just put out there for everyone to see are ALL completely normal common parts of pregnancy. It doesn’t mean you’ll experience them all, but you’ll very likely experience most of them.
While I don’t find there to be a lot of glitz or glam when it comes to the side affects in pregnancy, there is in fact a lot of glory. Like seeing your baby for the first time on the monitor during an ultrasound. Hearing her heartbeat at every prenatal appointment. Feeling her movements go from butterfly flutters to all out jabs and kicks where your belly looks like an alien is going to jump out. Or feeling her hiccup several times a day just to let you know she’s still OK in there. All of these are the glories of pregnancy. Knowing that each and everyday, your baby is in creation and your body is the one making that happen. So while I poke fun at all the embarrassing aspects I’ve experienced growing this little lady, I wouldn’t take back a single one of them. She’s not even here yet and already I know that ALL of this is so completely worth it. I cannot wait to see her little face and hold her for the first time. It’s a moment I often daydream about, and I plan to cherish every second of long awaited arrival.
So, there you have it folks, my take on pregnancy, in all its glitz, glam and glory! Kinda makes you wanna go make babies, right? 😉