I’ve always been well aware of who I am, what I want, and what my faults are. I’ve never been one to deny the things I need to “work on” or “fix.” None of us are perfect and I don’t strive to be perfect or something I’m not. I only strive to be the best person I can be.
One of my biggest struggles in life has been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. I was told as a young child I had an anxiety disorder. I’ll never forget being a kid laying in bed feeling like someone was sitting on my chest not being able to breath, my heart pounding out of my chest, and my palms being cold and clammy. I used to think I was dying. When I was about 11 or 12 I had such a bad panic attack that I made my mother rush me to the hospital. I didn’t know what it was or how to make it stop. I started seeing a therapist who bought me this fabulous purple “Trapper Keeper” binder and told me to write down how I felt when I had an anxiety attack. Then she told me to envision myself in my “happy place.” I always pictured myself sitting on the beach watching the waves roll in and out with the sun on my face. Her advice and suggestions helped me immensely for several years. I wonder, why doesn’t what worked for me at 12years old work for me at 30? Perhaps it’s because the issues, stresses, fears, and anxieties we have as a a child are very different than those of an adult.
A panic attack for me now can result in a lot more than feeling like I can’t breath. My symptoms range from my hands and face going numb, dizziness, visibly shaking, and temporary paralysis. When I’m having an attack I literally have two voices in my head fighting with each other. While one is saying, “This is just an anxiety attack, relax!” The other is saying, “But why do I feel like this? What is happening to me? What if something is really wrong?” Talk about feeling like you’re dying, or going insane! I have learned that all of this can be and is controlled by one thing, your mind. It’s all mind over matter. Somewhere in your mind you spiraled out of control, so the goal is get yourself back in control. Sometimes I know why I’m having an attack and other times I have no clue. I know a lot of my fears are concerning my health. I have this huge constant fear that I have some underlying disease that just hasn’t been diagnosed yet. Crazy? Maybe. But it’s very real for me.
My purpose for writing this blog is because anxiety disorder is a lot more common than most people think and it’s very real, and it can be very scary while in the midst of an attack. I’m writing this for anyone and everyone who deals with anxiety so they can read this and say, “Hey, I’m not alone!” Writing also helps me put my fears and anxieties in perspective. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to admit that anxiety continues to be an issue for me and a working progress in learning how to deal with it. I don’t think I’ll ever be “healed” from it, but I know I have the ability to control it and overcome the effects from an attack. I’ve never once taken anxiety medication; I’ve overcome it all with the strength of myself. You can call me crazy, maybe I am, but who I am is a real person with real fears, real feelings, and real strength in knowing exactly the things I need to work on. I have never once denied that anxiety is an issue for me. I’m well aware of who I am and I embrace myself and all the craziness I come with!
So the next time you’re having an anxiety attack close your eyes, take a few breaths, and say to yourself, “I’m OK!” Then tell your anxiety to take a hike! There’s nothing you can’t deal with; there’s nothing you can’t overcome! Remember, a healthy mind is a healthy body. So be healthy and stay strong!
~SLK