Six years ago, May 28th, 2007, it was Memorial Day. I woke up, the sun was shining and like most Americans, I had the day off from work. But for some reason, I woke up in a wretched mood. I had no idea why, but I felt angry and mad and definitely woke up on the “wrong side of the bed.” The only part of the day I remember was going to a nearby park and hanging out in the grass soaking up the sunshine trying to brighten my miserable mood with my boyfriend at the time. The other part of the day I remember was crawling into to bed. I lied awake, but had my eyes closed. It was sometime around 11pm when even with my closed lids, I saw the bedroom start to light up and flash. My phone was ringing; although, I couldn’t hear it because I had it on silent. When I looked to see that it was my mother I wondered why on earth she’d be calling me so late and almost didn’t pick up. That phone call forever changed my life…
I knew from the moment I answered and heard my mother say my name that something was drastically wrong. She asked me where I was and if I could meet her at my aunts house. I asked over and over to tell me what was wrong and at first she kept refusing through her tears. I told her I wasn’t going anywhere until I knew what the hell was happening. “Mikey is dead. He was killed in a motorcycle accident tonight.” The words stung me like a million bee stings all over my body. I thought I was going to vomit, I was shaking and I was in disbelief. Panicking and shaking I jumped out of bed and started getting dressed. I asked my boyfriend at the time to please drive me, there was no way I could drive myself anywhere right now. We got to my aunts house where a bunch of my family was and I remember asking the question, “Are they sure he’s dead?? Maybe he’s in a coma. Are you sure they’re sure??” Now, six years later and even only a few days later I realize how ridiculous that sounds. I was simply in shock. I didn’t want to believe it. How was my 23 year old cousin dead? I just saw him a couple weeks before that wearing the same smile he always wore whenever I saw him. It was infectious as was his laughter and sense of humor. I have a lot of cousins, and I love them all the same, but there was always something special about Mikey. I always bragged about him; I still do. He truly had a heart of gold and although he was young, was well beyond his years.
I chatted online with my brother this morning and said, “Today is six years since Mikey died. I can’t believe it. I don’t know where the time goes.” His response was interesting. He said, “It goes in one direction for us. The rules of physics do not limit time to one direction though.” I honestly didn’t quite understand what this meant so I asked him. He told me, “If you look at the night sky and you see light from a star that is 50 light years away, the light you are seeing was emitted from that start 50 years ago effectively letting you see back in time.” First of all, props to my brother for being so damn intelligent and insightful. And second of all, props to him for making me think outside the box and teaching me something new today. This sort of universal fact literally blows my mind and amazes me. Time scares me, age scares me and above all, death scares me. Time just keeps going and it seems like every year it speeds up. In just a few weeks I’ll be 32, yet 21 seems like yesterday. I wish I could still physically see my 20s in the night sky, but all I have are the many memories and photographs. Well, and that most people literally mistake me for being 24 still! So I guess I have that going for me!
It’s amazing how one day, one second, one phone call and one person can change your like. I have forever wondered if the death of my cousin was why I woke up so upset that morning. I know that may sound crazy as he wasn’t killed until that evening, but “they say” your subconscious knows before your conscious. I still can’t help but to wonder if deep down I knew something terrible was going to happen. Today marks six years, countless tears and not one day that I haven’t thought about my cousin. I know he is physically gone, but he will forever be in my heart and I feel certain that somewhere he looks over me and keeps me safe.
Forever in our hearts ~ RIP MAP
~Susieqsinger