I don’t consider myself to be super religious, but I was brought up Catholic and I certainly have my faith and beliefs in God. I went to a Catholic school from Kindergarten until 8th grade, I attended CCD and my mother took me and my brother to church weekly up until I made my confirmation. I’ll be honest, I didn’t like Catholic school and the only thing I ever truly enjoyed about church was singing in the choir. I don’t remember a lot of what I learned, but the one thing that always sticks out in my mind, is the Catholic religion preaching that your spouse is to always come first before your children. I never really knew how I felt about that, and of course at the time, I didn’t have a husband nor did I have any children. Once I was married I swore I’d never be able to love anyone as much as much husband.
Then my daughter came along…
Ever since she was born, I think back to that statement often, and I seriously wonder how many women can honestly say they still put their husband before their children? I think from the moment a woman becomes a mother, they are forever changed. I know I was. I had the perception that because my husband and I have a very strong and loving relationship, that having children wouldn’t change us, but I was wrong. In an instant I found myself in 100% mommy-mode and almost completely forgot that I was also still a wife. I was so consumed with our new little bundle of joy that I was slowly losing sight of myself and my marriage.
One day my husband came home and said, “You never ask me how my day is anymore. Why?” I didn’t have a good explanation. I didn’t know why. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to know or that I didn’t care. I was just too busy being a mom that it slipped my mind. Then he started asking me if I loved him as much as our daughter, and I wasn’t sure how to answer that. It wasn’t about loving her more or him more. I grew her and carried her exactly 40 weeks, I gave birth to her, we have an unspeakable bond that not even my husband could understand. I truly have a love for her like no other. But, that doesn’t at all mean I love my husband any less, nor does it take away how much he means to me. Simply stated – it’s a very different kind of love. None the less, I started realizing I was playing my part as a mom like a champ, but I was lacking in my role as wife. To say this is hard to admit, is an understatement.
Now, backtrack to a few months before my daughter was born when my husband found out he was part of the presidents club with his company, and won an all expenses paid trip to Cancun. We were psyched, but in the back of my mind I wondered how that would work knowing we’d have have an infant by then. Once my daughter arrived I told him there was no way in hell I was leaving her for four nights. For weeks I was torn, and the thought of leaving my daughter literally caused me to break into tears. But every time I told my husband I didn’t want to go, I could see how bummed and disappointed he was. And every time he asked me if I loved our daughter more than him, it broke my heart. I felt like I was choosing between my husband and my new baby girl. I had never felt so confused. It was by far one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever been faced with. But, on May 3rd, when my daughter was a whopping 11 weeks old, I packed my bags and took off with my husband for the trip. Because she is exclusively breast fed, I pumped for exactly 30 days and had more than enough breast milk saved for her and “pumped and dumped” the entire trip so I could continue breastfeeding when we returned home.
I’m not going to sugar coat it, I cried the entire first day. I literally had tears streaming down my face sobbing and balling my eyes out. I felt empty, sad and essentially like a horrible mother for leaving. But the moment we got on the plane and sat down, my husband looked at me with a big excited smile said, “MY wife! All to myself!” It was then that I realized even though leaving was hard, I was doing the right thing. I was “saving” our marriage and relationship. I was able to stay connected with my family the entire trip and even do face-time with my baby girl. And although the first day for me was rough, I ended up having a great time. But more importantly, my husband and I were able to reconnect. It was so nice having the opportunity to get back to the place we came from, and by the end of the trip, I felt like I fell in love with him all over again.
A few a days after returning, we ran into a friend while out to dinner who asked about Cancun. I told her although it was hard for me to leave, we had a blast. I also mentioned that I had a feeling there were a few people who seriously looked down upon my decision, and couldn’t believe I left our infant. She told me that no matter what, people were always going to have an opinion and judge me, but all that truly matters is that the decisions we make are the ones that work for our family. Then she said something to me that I will forever be grateful for, and will forever remember when it comes to my marriage and my family. She said, “You and your husband are the foundation; everything else are the building blocks.” I absolutely LOVED this, and it gave me chills. Between going back to what the Catholic religion taught me, what my friend said and my few months of experience being a wife and mommy, it rang so true and made complete sense. My dad always tells me to never lose sight of myself, and to never lose sight of my marriage and the place my husband and I came from. I understand now that our relationship is the foundation for everything else we build upon it – without a solid marriage, you can’t sustain a solid family.
In my opinion, my roles as a wife and a mother are equally important. Life is about finding a healthy balance, and balancing motherhood and marriage continues to be a working progress, as I’m sure it will be for many years to come. What works for me and my family may not work for anyone else, but the important thing is we’re doing what works for us. We’re not experts by any stretch of the imagination, but every day we’re learning how to be “experts” on what meets the needs of our little family. In order to be the best mommy I can be, I have to first and foremost be the best wife and person I can be. Our trip to Cancun rejuvenated us in more ways than one. And whether it’s a night out to dinner and a movie, or a mini getaway, we will continue to go on dates and focus on maintaining a solid foundation for our growing family.
People can choose to judge the decisions we make along the way, but I’m willing to bet that somewhere along their journey there will be things I don’t agree with either. The difference is, I won’t judge them because I’ll know first hand they’re simply trying to do what works for them and find a happy balance.
Slparke