I remember it like it was yesterday, the day my daughter was born. Despite being utterly exhausted, doped up on more prescription drugs than I care to admit and being in total shock from having an emergency c section, I remember it all so very clearly as one of the most amazing and cherished days of my life.
I remember laying in the hospital bed staring at the most beautiful baby girl I had ever laid eyes on. She was perfect. Somehow on that day, I thought the world had stopped, and time would stand still forever. I thought all the advice of being told to cherish every second because she would grow up so fast didn’t pertain to me. Somehow I thought I’d have a newborn snuggling in my arms and needing me forever. But then it happened…
Her first birthday came and she was already starting to talk and walk, among many other things. I felt heartbroken. How had a year already passed us by? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I looked in her eyes for the very first time? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was laying in that hospital bed breastfeeding my newborn for the very first time? Wasn’t it just yesterday my husband and I welcomed her into our family? But wasn’t it…?
Her first birthday came and went so fast and before I knew it those unsteady steps turned into sprints around the playground. Those first few words have formed into full sentences and conversations with a toddler. Those days of breastfeeding and longing to fully have my body back have turned into a child who loves to eat “real” food, and a mother who desperately misses that bond we once had.
These fleeting phases feel like a loss. A heartbreak. The end of an era that wasn’t nearly long enough. Losing all these things, these moments, these challenging but cherished times is more emotionally difficult than I imagined. Each milestone marks a memory for something else that once was.
Now here I am, one year later from the first heartbreak. I feel heartbroken for the second time. Looking at pictures and watching videos from last year reminds me of just how much she has grown, and how much we have grown as a family. It’s all so bittersweet…
I try hard to focus on moving forward, but many times I can’t help wishing I could transport myself back in time to those first few days. I wish I could relive the newness of everything… of her, of motherhood, of our new life together. I wish I could hold my infant again and truly be present in each moment for what it was.
Time feels like it’s speeding up and each new day feels like it’s one day further away from her. Further away from her newness, further away from her needing me as much, further away from a year of firsts together, further away from what feels like the most wonderful days of my life.
Her second birthday is days away, and it feels like a second heartbreak. As I sit here typing this I have tears streaming down my face knowing that another year from now it’ll be another heartbreak, harder than the first and harder than the second.
I remember it like yesterday, the day my daughter was born. And I remember all the wonderful moments in between of watching her grow into one hell of an amazing, spunky and smart as a whip little girl. For the past two years we have created the fondest of the fond memories of being a family of three.
My daughters second birthday feels like the second heartbreak. A crazy, beautiful mommy baby kind of heartbreak that hurts so good.
Cheers to you, on your second birthday baby girl. You continue to make me a better person inside and out every single day, and I truly see in you, what I long to be. Wishing you another year filled with health, love, laughter, milestones and making memories together ♥