There are some moments and aspects of motherhood that I think I’m a rock star at. Whipping up healthy creative meals for my daughter, allowing her to help me cook and be creative in the kitchen with me, teaching her the difference between healthy food choices versus unhealthy ones, bringing her out for hikes and runs, or what we like to call “nature walks”, taking her to dance class and gymnastics every week and being her biggest cheerleader, asking her questions and allowing her to learn through creative play, loving her fully for the amazing little person that she is… Some days I think to myself, “Hell, I’m not so bad at this whole mommy thing!”
But then there are days and moments in motherhood when I think I suck. Yup, I said it. Some days I think I just suck at it. The days when my patience is lacking before my daughter even gets up in the morning and I’ve yelled way more than I care to admit. The days when she so desperately wants to paint or get creative and I’m just all set with the whole crafting thing. The days when she wants me to play with her but I’m “too busy” planning classes, training clients or cleaning the house. The nights when she begs for me to stay in her bed until she falls asleep but I make up an excuse why I can’t because I desperately want some alone time to decompress from the day.
I know I’m probably not the only mom who feels this way, but man, sometimes I just feel broken. But here’s the thing, that’s not even the main reason why I feel broken…
I feel like I’m different than most other moms out there, because when I look at other moms, the majority of them have at least two kids, and the other small percentage that “only” have one kid are either pregnant or already know they want at least one more. Then there’s me, the mom that can’t seem to get her shit together and decide whether or not I should pull the trigger and try for a second. I feel broken people, completely and utterly broken. I keep asking myself why this is such a difficult decision? Why don’t I feel all rainbows and butterflies at the thought of having another child? Why don’t I ever feel ready to give my daughter a sibling? Why why WHY?! What the hell is wrong with me?!
I’ll tell you why, sort of… Because I absolutely positively hate being pregnant. Ugh. The thought of not being able to see my feet or my vagina for weeks upon weeks because my belly is hanging so far over them makes me cringe. Because I worked my ass off to get my body back stronger than it was before my daughter, and I just don’t really feel like starting from scratch…again! Because my delivery with my daughter was downright scary, and I’m petrified of doing it again. Because I truly love my family and my life the way it is, and I’m afraid to do anything that will change it. Because some days I’m just not sure I’m meant for two or that I can handle having another one. Because almost every mom of two or more has literally said to me at one point or another, “One is easy but two is chaos! Don’t do it!” And because some days I just suck at motherhood! And on those very days when I suck, I think to myself, “Thank GOD I only have one because I’d be checking myself into the loony bin today if I had more!”
I feel like the odd mom out most of the time, because there are very few other moms who I’ve chatted with that can seem to relate with “only” wanting one child. I’ve never given a rats ass about being different than everyone else before, in fact, I like that I’m not someone who follows the crowd and have always just done my own thing, but the truth is somehow in motherhood, I do care. I feel judged a lot whenever I tell someone I’m not sure if we’ll have a second because I just can’t seem to make up my damn mind! I’m not super religious, but I have my beliefs, and some days I keep wishing God would just poke his head down from the heavens and say, “Hey lady! Get on the ball and give that kid a sibling!” Or, “Hey lady! STOP while you’re ahead!”
Why can’t I figure this out?! I sooooo wish there was a clear cut way I felt, but there’s not. I feel torn every. single. day.
There’s a piece of me that desperately wants to give my daughter the “baby” she keeps asking for. There’s also a piece of me that can’t decide if I truly feel complete with one child. But then there are so many pieces of me that just isn’t sure if I’m cut out to have more kids. I keep reminding myself that I’m just as much a mother having one child as someone else who has two or more, but somehow I still feel judged every single day and can’t help feeling like the broken mommy…