It feels like just yesterday I was taking care of my newborn baby and adjusting to motherhood, breastfeeding and recovering from an emergency c section. I remember feeling defeated daily when it came to breastfeeding. Between the excruciating pain, having an over supply of breast milk, and being engorged for months, I wanted to give up and never look back. But despite the trials and tribulations, my daughter was thriving, and the bond we shared far outweighed the cons.
I thought for sure the day I could say I was done breastfeeding I’d be rejoicing from the rooftops. But I sit here typing this corrected…
Two weeks ago was my daughters first birthday, and before I put her in bed for the night, I nursed her for the very last time. I joked for months that I’d be breastfeeding until college, and there were days I really believed that I may in fact be the mom that was still breastfeeding well past one year of age. But as my daughter got older and started eating real food and full meals, she started weaning herself from wanting and needing to breastfeed. I didn’t do anything but follow her lead. By the last month she was only breastfeeding at night and it seemed like she was mostly comfort nursing. In fact, the only time I felt like she nursed really well during the last month was when she got sick and spiked her first real fever of 102.9.
For months I complained about breastfeeding. I couldn’t wait to get my breasts back, fully regain my body and toss my size G nursing bra out the door (yes, a size G!) In the heart of it all, I felt frustrated and just wanted to be done.
But oddly enough, I sobbed the first night I put my daughter to bed without nursing her. In fact, I’ve cried several times in the last two weeks. I told my husband it feels like the end of an era. An era that once felt daunting and endless, yet somehow is now one that I desperately wish I could get back. It’s funny how that happens, the things that seem so tough and terrible are the very things we look back on so fondly.
The truth is, I truly loved breastfeeding. I loved the unspeakable and irreplaceable bond I had, and very much still have with my daughter. I loved when she’d fall asleep in my arms after nursing and starring at her sweet little face for hours. I loved being able to give her what I felt was best. Looking back on it I wish I hadn’t complained about it when the going was really tough. The moments of infancy don’t last forever. My goal of breastfeeding for one year felt like an eternity in the beginning, but in a fleeting moment that year was gone, and my baby girl is quickly turning into a toddler.
I will always cherish the memories of breastfeeding, even the days that “sucked” and I wanted to throw in the towel and give up. I’ve learned those were the days that helped make me stronger mother, and helped make me realize and understand that it wasn’t just about me anymore, it was about my daughter and what was best for her. And while I’m admittedly thrilled to be comfortably back in my 34D’s, the end of breastfeeding and my daughters infancy has been a very bitter sweet good bye for me. I never expected that I’d be this sad to step into a new chapter of motherhood and be done with nursing, but here I am, proven wrong wishing I could go back in time for just one day and breastfeed her again, just the way we did not so long ago…