Disappointed. Discouraged. Defeated. The three BIG Ds that I woke up feeling Monday morning after running my 3rd and what I consider to be my worst half marathon. Many of my friends and family have said to me, “A finish is a finish”, but is it really? What if I could have pushed myself harder? What if I didn’t let my mind convince my body it “couldn’t” run anymore? What if I rested more that week? What if I hydrated more? What if…?
I woke up Sunday morning of the race feeling nauseous, a bit dizzy, and overall not well. My fiance thought my not feeling well was just pre-race jitters and nerves. Although I started getting a little anxious for the race the evening before, I didn’t feel nearly as nervous as I usually get before a big event. I had just completed my 2nd half marathon on a very difficult course 3 weeks prior so I had it in my head that this race was going to be a piece of cake. I know the course like the back of my hand and it’s much flatter than the course I had just ran. But, I assumed he was probably right in thinking it was just my nerves and proceeded to get ready. When we got to the starting line I thought I was feeling a little better, but once I started to run I immediately felt tired and weak. The nausea kicked back in around the 1 mile mark and got worse with every stride. Around the 6.5 mile mark I passed the building where I live and I thought to myself, “I could just quit right now, go home, and pretend I never signed up for the race.” But the truth is, even though that’s what my body and mind wanted, I would have never been able to forgive myself if I had just quit and gave up. I saw my friend Jennie on the sidelines around the 7 mile mark and she jumped out and cheered, “You’re doing awesome!!! Just keep going!” Her cheering pushed me through until the 8.5 mile mark where I just lost my strength on so many levels. I was nauseous, weak, tired, and worst of all, my mental strength was lost. I just wanted to go home. My friend Rob ran the race with me and suggested I walk a mile and see how I felt after that, but unfortunately I just felt worse physically and mentally the further I got into the race. By mile 10 I sadly had to give up my goal of finishing in 2hrs. It just wasn’t in the cards as I had already lost too much time despite how fast I started. I was able to maintain about a 9-930 minute mile pace for the first 8.5miles, but sadly I couldn’t maintain it feeling so awful. My fiance reminded me that I should focus more on how well I did for the first 8.5 miles and less on the negative aspects of not feeling well and finishing in the time I had hoped for. He said to me, “A year ago you were not running this fast or maintaining that pace for that distance, so think about how far you’ve come. Don’t let one bad day get you down. You finished and pushed through it despite how bad you felt.” There is a huge part of me that cannot help feeling completely disappointed and let down. When I signed up for the race my goal was to beat my time from last year, but I finished much slower. Then there is a part of me that is proud I didn’t give up despite how awful I felt and wanting to quit. I may have had to walk a few miles for this one, but I still manged to run over the finish line, receive my medal, and will forever be able to say, “I did it!”
I know not every run and not every race will be my best. I know my body is different every day. I have good days, I have bad days, and I have great days. It’s just going to take some time for me to come to terms with the fact I had a bad day on a day that I wanted and expected to be nothing but great. I try to remember the days in high school when running around a track once felt like a death sentence. Gasping for air, seeing stars, and hanging over the fence pretty much sums up how I felt after running a quarter of a mile back then. Being a runner was never something I thought I would ever enjoy, and it certainly never seemed physically possible. There are some days I’m still amazed that I can go out and run 3 miles never mind 13.1 miles. During most of my runs I visualize crossing over a finish line strong, healthy, and in a personal best time. I know I have come a long way in the past year in various aspects, but I’m beginning to realize that what needs the most work is my mental strength. Learning how to ALWAYS be strong enough to push myself through. Sometimes my mental strength is strong and dead on, but sometimes it’s not, and sometimes doesn’t count. I need to learn how to to never allow my fears, nerves, reservations, and doubts get in the way of my physical capabilities and strengths. I don’t think running will ever be “easy” for me and that is partly why I have stuck with it. It truly challenges me on all levels.
One of the big questions I have been asking myself all week has been, is a finish really a finish? I may not of been on my “A-Game” on Sunday, but the important thing is that I didn’t quit and I powered through until the end. I crossed the finish line with purpose and intention. I have come to realize that all I can do from here is move forward, learn from my experience, and know that I am stronger today than I was yesterday. I think it’s important to finish what you set out to do, but finish it with determination, dedication, purpose, and intention. And most of all, finish with a strong mind, because a strong mind maintains a healthy and strong body.