Somewhere between child birth and six and a half months postpartum, I seem to have lost my ass. I’m not sure where it disappeared to, or why it decided to up and leave me, but I miss it. I keep finding myself starring at my naked bootyless body in the mirror wondering why I’m never satisfied with myself? No matter how skinny, fat, tone or fit I am, I always seem to find something to pick apart. And lately, it’s my lack of back!
Can someone please explain to me how on earth pre-pregnancy jeans fit looser postpartum? I had nightmare visions that I was going to be a fat, flabby, unfit mom carrying around pregnancy weight forever. But instead, I’m living the complete opposite wishing my ass would kindly return to filling out my jeans the way it once did so I don’t have to keep pulling them up! I’m pretty certain Sir Mix-A-Lot wouldn’t approve, and I’m debating on figuring out how to befriend Nicki Minaj so I can find out tips to her secret ninja bootylicious buns.
I thought maybe I was nuts, but I asked my husband last week if my derrière appears to be smaller than it did before I got pregnant and he said, “It’s pretty small!” In which I responded with (while inspecting it in the mirror, of course!) “It’s flat and nonexistent!” Then over the weekend he told me, “Honey, your ass really is small now! But it looks good!” I cannot believe I am saying this, but I want my butt back!
I’m measuring one inch smaller in that region than I was before I got pregnant, and thankfully I’m not an pole dancer because this mommy has no moneymaking rumpshaker to shake! I mean seriously… what is going on here👇👇👇?!
•All of my jeans are screaming pancake patootie 👈👈👈
•And my undies are under-filled (I will spare you all the visuals!)
From being top heavy to bottomless, I’m feeling slightly disproportionate these days. If only I could share some of my tatas with my tuchus! Don’t get me wrong ladies (and gents if you’re reading!), I work my ass off between runs, barre classes, hikes, spin classes and being a workout machine – but I never imagined that I would literally work my ass off! “They” ain’t kidding when they say your body changes after a baby. From having even bigger boobies because I’m breastfeeding to a flatass fanny, shit just ain’t the same!
I’m full of sass, and once in a while I’ve got class, but I definitely don’t have an ass anymore! Fortunately, I feel healthy and stronger than ever, but now I need to come to terms with my mini biscuits. I guess you can all just call me Bumless in Boston!